You just got dumped: what to do on day 1, day 3, day 7 and day 30

What should I do in the first 72 hours after a breakup?

The first 72 hours are for covering the basics, not for processing anything: water, something to eat every four or five hours, one person told, and the phone charging across the room. No big decision gets made this week.

1. 1

   Eat and drink water even when you don't want to

   Grief switches off hunger. Eat anyway, something simple: bread, rice, fruit. The shaky hands usually ease off afterwards.

2. 2

   Tell one person

   You don't have to tell the whole story: "they ended it, I'm not okay, don't ask me much yet" is enough. Having one person who knows changes the night.

3. 3

   Charge your phone away from the bed

   A foot from your face at three in the morning is what turns a bad night into a message you'll regret by lunchtime.

What should you not do after a breakup?

What's worth avoiding is anything that promises instant relief and charges for it later: texting them, asking for one last conversation to get closure, checking their profiles, or drinking yourself to sleep. None of it is a moral failure: all of it leaves the next day worse.

• Texting to see how they're doing. It's the politest possible way to ask for contact, and it usually ends in a lukewarm reply you'll reread forty times.
• Asking for one last conversation to get closure. Closure isn't something the other person hands over: that conversation brings back a new version of the story and the grieving starts again.
• Checking their profiles. Every visit makes you process a life that isn't yours anymore: how to stop stalking your ex.
• Drinking yourself to sleep. It drops you fast and wakes you at four in the morning with the anguish multiplied.

How do I survive the first night after a breakup?

The first night gets easier when you lower the bar: the goal is to get through the night, not to sleep well. Change sides of the bed, leave a familiar sound playing low, and if you're still awake at three, get up for a while.

1. 1

   Change the set

   Sleep on the other side of the bed, with your head at the foot of it, or take the sofa. The bed you shared has a smell you know.

2. 2

   Put on a familiar noise

   A show you've already seen or a long podcast, volume low. It isn't there to be watched: it's there so your head doesn't start up on its own.

3. 3

   Make the exhale longer than the inhale

   Breathe in counting to four and let the air out counting to eight, several times. You can do it in the dark, with no app at all.

4. 4

   If you're awake at three, get up

   Turning over for hours turns the bed into the place where you suffer. Go out for twenty minutes and come back when you're sleepy.

How do I go back to work or class after a breakup?

Going back to work helps more than people expect: it forces your head onto something else for several hours. You don't have to explain anything, saying you're dealing with something personal is enough.

If you work or study with your ex, no contact as it's normally written doesn't apply to you: you need the forced-proximity version, in the no contact guide.

What do I do with my ex's stuff, the photos and the gifts?

Your ex's things don't need to be thrown out or handed back on day one. Collect everything into one box, tape it shut, get it out of sight and write a date on top to decide a month from now.

1. 1

   Set a twenty-minute timer

   Collect everything in one lap of the house, without opening old boxes or reading anything: sit down to read one letter and the afternoon goes there.

2. 2

   One box, taped shut, and far away

   An open box gets looked into, and looking into it at two in the morning is what we're avoiding. On top of the wardrobe or at a friend's place.

3. 3

   Hand things back without a ceremony

   Whatever is clearly theirs goes back through the front desk, a friend, or the post: handing over belongings is one of the most common excuses to see each other again.

With photos there's a middle step almost nobody uses: archiving. Instagram lets you archive posts without deleting them and your phone lets you move albums into a hidden folder. Deleting on day one is permanent.